Young men, if you are involved with women, you really need to be on the lookout for borderlines. They can ruin your life, and rather easily at that.
The relationship starts off good, really good. She is really into you. She thinks that you are the best thing in the world. All of this isn’t necessarily an indicator that she is a borderline, but wait, there is more.
Look for clues related to past relationships. How did they end? Getting this info directly might not be feasible, so look for little tidbits. Over time, you might be able to accumulate some evidence. Look especially at how they ended. Try discern if she went nuts on him. Her friends can often be a useful source clues. If possible, check out the exes and boyfriends to see if things add up.
It is sad that one must be so much of a detective, but it is necessary as borderlines, as when they are in the adoration phase they can be difficult to detect.
Another consideration is you. Does she adore you perhaps more than you deserve? It may seem counter-intuitive, but this might be a clue.
Then there is the test of time. You are not nearly as awesome as she might think you are; nobody is. Over time, she starts seeing this, entering the pre-switch phase. Things come out, often criticisms that make little sense. Be careful. Be prepared for what the future holds.
How do I know so much about about borderlines you might ask? Well, I have a brother-in-law who was married to one. It was a fascinating sight. I decided to try to figure out what had happened. In her case, she is now older such that she can’t attract fellas, so she is a profession cat-breeder.
Addendum by Deti
It’s called “borderline” because mental health professionals consider its sufferers to be “on the borderline” between just neurotic and full blown psychotic. “Neurotic” being maladjusted but functional; and “psychotic” being a clear and present danger to one’s own safety and the safety of others, and being unable to distinguish fantasy from reality.
A lot of mental health professionals want to change it’s name to “emotionally unstable personality disorder” because that’s what it really is – its sufferers are just that, emotionally unstable.
A person with borderline personality disorder, their emotions rule and control them. They are completely unable to regulate their outward emotional reactions and responses. They’re prone to violent mood swings from euphoria to despair, from joy to rage. And they show it. They vomitpuke their emotions on whomever is around. They have horrible fear of abandonment.
They love you love you love you, until they don’t, and then you’re the worst human being on the planet. They expect you to fix them and take care of them, and if you don’t, you’re a horrible human being who should die in a fire. And you just have to take all of this, and if you don’t, it’s because you don’t love them. And you have to just put up with it becuase
“I can’t help it, it’s just how I am, Daddy was never around, Mommy wouldn’t help me and was mean to me, my friends wouldn’t help me, all my boyfriends were assholes who raped me and exploited me sexually, all my bosses hate me and have it in for me, and if you won’t love me, then you’re a horrible person too!”
With a borderline, it’s always someone else’s fault. All her relationships failed because her boyfriends were assholes who raped her. All her friends abandoned her because they’re selfish narcissists. She can’t hold a job because all her bosses are stupid or expect too much or are unreasonable. She’s never got enough $$ because dad or other people won’t help her.
BPD often presents with other comorbidities. Anxiety, depression, alcoholism/substance abuse.
BPD women are almost always sexually promiscuous. They’ve fucked a lot of dudes. That doesn’t mean they’re necessarily good at sex; it just means they’ve had a lot of it with a lot of different dudes.
Only good thing about BPDs for men: You get to sex rapidly, and sometimes it’s fantastic.
For a while.
How to know she’s a BPD:
—all her boyfriends were jerks. She’s never ever once met a decent guy in her life. (Until she met you, of course.)
—she’s made it to 30 with either a failed marriage or no marriage.
—you’re very different from all the other guys. All her other boyfriends were thugs, lowlifes, irresponsible jerks, and idiots. You’re “so nice” and “so good to her”. (Until you aren’t.)
—Despite all the above, she’s rapidly overtly sexual with you, at least at the beginning.
—she’s looking for a savior. She says she isn’t but she is.
—she’s in therapy/taking meds/being treated/had been treated for something, usually depression or substance abuse.
—she’s cash poor all the time, having trouble making ends meet.
—Daddy issues. Poor/nonexistent relationship with her father.
—prone to emotional outbursts of any kind, and they are extreme: Joy, euphoria, gregariousness, sadness, despair, anger, rage. Happy is REALLY happy. Gregarious is “life of the party”. Sad is a 4 hour long heaving crying jag. Angry is yelling, shouting, shrieking, accusing, throwing shit, slamming doors, hitting, beating, storming out.
(They’re mostly angry, because, well, people are people and they have to deal with other people and their emotions too, and well, they dont’ think they should have to do that.)
—violent mood swings. Goes from joy to despair in 4.3 seconds.
—anytime an emotion is felt, it MUST be manifested outwardly and foisted on whomever is nearby. Completely and totally unable to regulate emotions or refrain from expressing them. (We call this “lack of filters”, and BPDs have this in spades.). The BPD sufferer considers herself entitled to just spew her feelings on anyone and everyone around.
—blames others for her problems. Everyone else is crazy or insane. They use a lot of mental health terms to describe others. Everyone is “dysfunctional” or “a narcissist” (they REALLY like that one) or “needs therapy”.
How to have a relationship with a BPD:
Ideally, you don’t. The minute a woman starts showing a constellation of these symptoms, you stop. You do a slow fade with her. You back away slowly, and then you turn and run away from her in the opposite direction as fast and as far away as you possibly can.
A BPD woman is an emotional, social, romantic, and sexual EF5 tornado. They utterly destroy every life they touch. They leave paths of destruction and damage in their wake. And they blame everyone else for it and almost never take any responsibility. And that damage is extremely expensive to repair, if it can be repaired at all. It will cost you a lot of time, money and emotional output.
BPD is one of the most difficult mental conditions to treat. It just doesn’t respond well to treatment. The only things that have been shown to have any effectiveness at all are cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and its roided out baby brother, Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). It does not respond to medications. It does not respond to conventional “talk therapy” or other traditional methods.
To get better, the BPD sufferer has to really really really REALLY want to get better, and must engage in months long intense self-awareness exercises and diarying of emotions. She must engage in a daily struggle to control and regulate her outward emotional responses. And she has to do this for the rest of her life. Most BPD sufferers simply say “too hard” and won’t do it. Many who try and who really want to get better, still fail, because they lack the discipline.
It’s extremely difficult to have a sexual relationship with a BPD sufferer, even one who’s improved. They’ve had so many varied sexual experiences, and so many bad ones, that they have a lifelong struggle getting past it and actually enjoying sex. They have sexual hangups like you wouldn’t believe. Contrary to popular belief, all that sexual experience doesn’t necessarily make them better at sex, either able to connect during sex, or actually having sexual skill or technique. Lots of them just plain don’t like sex and aren’t really very good at it.
Avoid BPDs like the plague, because they are a plague.