A recent study from Public Health England reveals that women aged 25-34 are more likely than women in other age groups to experience a lack of “sexual enjoyment.” That’s right, the “woke” generation isn’t all that happy in the sack. But how can that be? Aren’t millennials the ones rhapsodizing about the joys of sexual empowerment, encouraging us to be “sex positive,” and touting the wonders of no-strings-attached sex? Shouldn’t millennials be having the Best. Sex. Ever?
It is not clear as to whether they should be having the best sex ever. The rules have changed, they are operating differently compared to the past; from a unbiased perspective the answer is: let’s find out. Of course, Feminists do suggest that everything will be awesome; but then they do promise many things.
An op-ed in The Independent apparently has the answer. The reason so many millennial women in the UK are having “sh*t sex,” writes Rebecca Reid, is because they are “allowing men to have sh*t sex with them.” The idea that women are programmed by the patriarchy to agree to sex even when they don’t want to is not a novel concept among modern feminists. The 2017 viral New Yorker story “Cat Person” dealt with this issue, as have numerous advice columns and women’s magazines. How is it possible, though, that the generation of women’s sexual empowerment is the generation most in need of this advice?
So how to interpret this? Lots of guys who don’t much/any would be surprised that the patriarchy has programmed women to dispense sex rather easily. But beyond that, it seem that the complaint is that the fellas on average do not make the women tingle enough. Though by “allowing men to have shit sex with them” there is some acknowledgment of agency; a somewhat unexpected acknowledgment.
The answer can be found, I think, in the modern feminist expectations for their sexual encounters.
Well yes, it is about expectations. Self-esteem, hypergamy run wild, continually upping women’s power with respect to men, encouraging women to exploit their attractive years for maximal gain, etc. do raise expectations. All of which were not encouraged/allowed in times past.
“As a woman you absolutely must not – cannot – accept mediocre sex,” writes Reid.
The obvious question is, “why not”? Probably because of the situation mentioned in the last paragraph give women such expectations and power. Of course, sometimes in life, one must accept less than ideal quality situations. But apparently not here.
This makes it sound like sex is something you can research as a commodity before actually experiencing it. As if, in Reid’s mind, a man might show up with a demo tape of his sexual moves which a woman could, upon watching and taking detailed notes, accept or decline. (Don’t come in here offering this mediocre sex! one can imagine Reid haughtily declaring. Come back when you’ve got something better.) Then she’ll go online and review his sexual performance on Yelp.
It does seem that we are getting a good distance from what sex is supposed to be about. Though, probably soon enough Yelp reviews will become a thing.
“We need to tell our sexual partners in no uncertain terms that we did not orgasm,” says Reid, “and then we need to give them the specifics of why.” That sounds like delightful pillow talk. I’m all for people having open and honest conversations about sex with their romantic partners, but Reid makes it sounds like it’s somehow the woman’s right to be angry at the man for not performing adequately in bed. If you think I’m misinterpreting her, Reid makes it abundantly clear that I am not: “Unsatisfactory sex is a type of subjugation.”
Ever the victim these women are. Not quite sure how it would be subjugation. It is unclear how this would put the fella in a power position relative to her. Perhaps this is just women logic.
Having sex with someone makes you vulnerable. You must literally reveal something that you usually keep covered (your body, for those of you struggling to follow along), and you must figuratively do that too. In order to be willing to tell someone what it is that you enjoy in the bedroom, you have to really trust that person. And trust is something built up over time. It comes from knowing someone, letting them know you, and discovering that they will not betray your trust. This can’t be achieved with someone you just met, or met a few times, or don’t like very much but think is kind of hot.
Trust could be useful for the long term. In the short term, tingles will do.
Yes, historically speaking, women were not supposed to discuss their sexual feelings or reveal themselves to be sexual beings at all outside of bearing children. But those days are long (long!) gone. Remember, this statistic doesn’t apply to allwomen, it only applies to women aged 25-34 — millennials — and does anyone really think that millennials feel that women ought not to be sexual beings? If millennials are struggling to discuss their sex lives with their partners, perhaps it’s because their partners aren’t actually partners in the true sense of the word.
Perhaps these women are unsatisfied because they have been fed a bunch of BS their whole lives, they are living the BS right, and can see the wall over the hill that they are headed for. That, and there just are not enough tingly guys to go around.
Can we really make any progress at all if a woman who refuses to be talked over in a meeting or patronised by a male friend then goes home to her partner and accepts mediocre sex without complaining?” writes Reid.
Let’s just face it, this is the kind of woman who smart fellas don’t marry. Maybe she will find some poor fella who who doesn’t know any better to hitch on to; but she will undoubtedly be an alpha widow and make both of their lives (and kids) miserable.
This advice is setting herself up and her readers up for almost guaranteed failure. But no matter: it was for the Feminist cause.
You can’t have it both ways. Either sex is something that ought to happen exclusively between two people who care about and trust each other, or it’s something you should do with whoever you want whenever you feel like it. But if you do it with someone random, you won’t trust them, so you won’t tell them what you like and don’t like, so you’ll probably end up with mediocre sex. But at least you get to yell at the guy afterward!
There is some truth here, but the bigger point that she misses is that if it’s something you should do with whoever you want whenever you feel like it, then tingles are what matters. It does seem that vast quantities of women just don’t get this. Perhaps they are working diligently to avoid understanding. You tell me.
Addendum by Deti:
The next step from “I’m having bad sex and we need to talk to our male partners about that and we need to reject mediocre sex” is
I expected an orgasm. I didn’t consent to bad sex. I didn’t consent to mediocre sex. I consented to sex on the specific condition that he has to get me off.
Therefore, he raped me.
Bad sex = rape. Mediocre sex where I don’t orgasm = rape.”
More evidence for the “bad sex is rape” claim: “Unsatisfactory sex is a type of subjugation.”