So, where are you on the nice scale? If you’re not an inherently nice person, believe me I get it. I think I’m pretty nice, but that isn’t the first word one would think of to describe me. The truth is, I’ve had to exercise my nice muscle.
I’ve had to learn how to be be nice.
A lot of women think they’re nice because they act nice. But acting nice and being nice are two different things. Being nice means you think of others before you think about yourself. (And yes, there’s such thing as being too nice and putting your needs last; but I’m not talking about that.) It means you’re attune to the needs of others and incorporate those needs into the equation.
It’s really obvious when you’re dealing with a genuinely nice person (as opposed to a phony nice person). Women like my hair stylist and my editor at Fox, or even my own daughter (though at 17, I can’t call her a “woman” just yet), ooze niceness. It comes so naturally to them! That makes them easy to love.
That’s what men like: women who are easy to love.
Women mostly in recent history have been portrayed as sugar and spice and everything nice. At one time, they were also raised to be that way. So in those days, when you saw what seemed to be a nice woman, there was a reasonable chance that she actually was just that. It is common for modern day women to live off of the long standing reputation of women through acting nice; that is, pretending to be nice in order to curry favor form others. Deep down, these women are anything but nice. In the long run, their true selves come out, and everything blows up. This is one of many short term strategies that women take that backfire on them
Young ladies should learn to be truly nice as described above. It pays off in the long run. It pays off in finding and keeping a husband. It pays off for the children. It pays off for everybody. But it takes work. Furthermore, one needs to start young.
That brings up the next question: “Can modern women plan and execute long term strategies?”
Addendum by Deti,
Women don’t know how important being nice to their men really is.
And too many women don’t understand the differences between niceness, kindness, politeness, and being a doormat.
Ash makes this fundamental mistake up there. She says she was “too nice” which she equates to being a doormat. It isn’t. A woman can be a total raging bitch and still be a doormat. Usually it’s the doormat status that leads to her being a raging bitch.
A doormat is not a “too nice” person. A doormat is someone who never learned appropriate boundaries and lives under too many covert contracts with other people. Covert contracts are the unstated conventions of interpersonal relationships. Like “If I do X for you, then you will do Y for me. We don’t have to state our expectations. We both just understand the deal.” Except most people don’t.
Most female doormats I’ve met don’t put down appropriate boundaries, especially with men. They also tend to be naïve and gullible, and don’t pay appropriate attention to detail. They aren’t nice.
Then there are women who go to the opposite extreme, putting down constrictive boundaries with EVERYONE, including their own husbands. These are women who run their relationships and that drives them crazy. Most women who set boundaries with husbands are women who got burned in past relationships/sexual experiences, and they are determined that what happened to them before will never happen to them again. And they end up destroying their relationships over it. They aren’t nice either.
What women need to be is “nice” and “polite” with husbands. Not setting down boundaries. Not doormats. There should be NO boundaries between husbands and wives. If Hs and Ws feel the need to put down boundaries between them, there are serious problems in their relationship. Hs and Ws who have boundaries lack trust and intimacy.
If you have to put a boundary down with a spouse, it’s because at the end of the day, you don’t trust him/her. If you did trust them, there’d be no need for a boundary. We have boundaries only with people we don’t fully trust. We don’t let everyone fully into our lives, hence we have boundaries with them. Even with close friends. We dont’ live with them. We don’t fuck them. There are boundaries with them because they don’t have that level of trust.
Women confuse “nice” and “polite”. Polite is something we are to everyone in ordered society. You exchange pleasantries, you make small talk, you greet and smile. Still hard boundaries. But it is not “nice”. You are “nice” only to people you actually know.
Wives should be nice and kind to husbands. Not “polite” and not doormats. And not laying down boundaries.