“It’s up to the husband to set what leadership tone he wants in the marriage, and for the wife to only accept a husband candidate to whom she can submit to his leadership style.”
and it is very, very hard for a man to change that dynamic to get to the “leadership tone he wants” if the marriage didn’t start out that way.
Much of the married men’s problems written of in the sphere are about men whose marriages didn’t start this way. Where he didn’t or couldn’t or wouldn’t lead (usually couldn’t). Didn’t or couldn’t or wouldn’t set any tone (also usually couldn’t). So the wife ends up “leading” by default, which then leads to numerous problems.
Most of these men are married to women they shouldn’t have married for one reason or another. And they are trying to stay married to women in marriages where they have no choice but to lead and to insist that she stand down. And it’s a constant struggle because she has to resist, every day, her habit of stepping in, taking over, and leading him; and he has to consciously decide to step up and lead and stand up to her and tell her to STFD and STFU on occasion. And he has to stand against his own church many times with even the men nattering at him that that’s “just not nice” and “he’s being so MEAN” and “that’s not God-honoring” and “you need to show her love”.
It’s a hell of a lot harder when you have to consciously learn it and change it, than when it starts out that way. It’s also a lot harder when, as is the case in most of these marriages, these women are married to men they’re not sexually attracted to; or to men they are much less attracted to than the men they had sex with before they got married; because these women know they settled, and they resent the fact that they “had to” settle to get married.
“Houston, we have a problem“. Actually, it is a rather large problem. We have young fellas who are beaten down from day one; being rapists in waiting and all. They don’t learn to think in terms of leading, they learn to think in terms of avoiding. This is apparently what society wants from men.
Young women on the other hand, are built up. They already have their extremely powerful youth and beauty; more of everything seemingly good is heaped on top of that. With all of that awesomeness, why shouldn’t they be leading?
Of course, the red pill (along with old line churches) states that women are to submit to a fella, and furthermore really truly want to submit; for it makes her feel secure and such. Naturally enough, this truth is denied today, though its reality keeps on bubbling up. Thus, the mess that we are in.
You, as a young lady, need to find a fella that you believe has good leadership potential. He might not be there yet. Don’t hold that against him. If you do, you probably will end up with nothing. If you are compatible, you might try to slowly nurture his leadership skills.
You might think something along the lines of “if he hasn’t got it, then he is not worth it”. Resist this temptation. This is the path to lots of bad boys and being an old bar fly. Be patient. It will take time. Then both of you ideally will be happy.
Addendum by Deti
Dalrock has already done yeoman’s work on this. Women need to find a man they can submit to and that they’re head over heels for. THey also need to be sexually attracted to him. That means she wants to have sex with him. Not “wants to marry”. not “wants to be with” or “wants to date”. Wants to FUCK. Wants to get naked with, do the nasty with, get rutting out with.
If you don’t want to have sex with the guy, move on. Dudes, if you can tell she doesn’t want to have sex with you, if she isn’t bang on excited to see you every time she does, if she isn’t practically ripping your clothes off and begging you to take her, move on.