“How many people have you slept with?” he asked.
All of a sudden, six months into our relationship, my boyfriend was insatiably curious about everything that had happened before we’d met. The questions started out simple enough: How old were you when you were first kissed? Then they quickly escalated into questions like: Have you ever had sex in a public place?
When he got an answer that made me seem less than virginal, we fought. Instead of being intrigued, he was insulted. With each new inquiry, it was becoming clear that he thought I was a slut, and I thought I was normal.
Yes, indeed. The double standard again. There is a double standard for a good reason. Furthermore, it is a joint production between the sexes. Read about it here.
I was 29 years old at the time, and he was not my first. He knew this. We had been friends for years, and in that time we both dated and slept with other people, but what mattered to me was that we were in a committed relationship with each other now. When he told me he loved me, I believed him. When he told me he thought we might spend our lives together, I believed him. We knew each other very well. But after all these questions, I felt like I barely knew him.
At first I thought maybe he was nervous that I was unsatisfied in our sex life. I explained to him that he was the only person that I wanted to be with. (No, I did not fantasize about being with other men. No, I didn’t want to have some sort of ménage a quatre.) He stopped ranting just long enough to listen to me whisper all these things, and the fighting would cease. Then another probing question would pop up.
“How many people have you slept with?” he asked again.
I wanted to lie, but I’m a horrible liar. Even when I consider fibbing, my face gives it away. I also knew the answer to that question was none of his business, no matter my number. What does it matter how many people I’ve slept with?
She is using the “Hillary Excuse”, what does it matter now? For him it might matter much, as past behavior is often indicative of future behavior.
Instead of answering I tried a different tactic: “How many people have you slept with?” I countered.
All I got was a shrug followed by, “I don’t know. I didn’t keep count.”
I was infuriated. What a double standard! As the woman in this relationship, I was expected to be pure as the driven snow, but no matter how many women he’d been with, I was supposed to accept it?
Well…yes. You are leaving the carousel looking for a long-term guy. Men are rightly suspicious of women like you. He is just doing his due diligence.
This question — How many people have you slept with? — was a trick. My number wasn’t that high. But that wasn’t going to make a difference. Anything higher than one was going to be too much for him. Finally, I answered him. He walked out of the room.
Actually zero would have been better. But did she really know that his criteria was “Anything higher than one “? Or is she just saying that?
In any relationship, I want to feel accepted as I am. There was no amount of proof I could offer to show that I was good enough for him. Obviously, I couldn’t take back anything I had done in the past. And even if I could, why should I? I wasn’t embarrassed. All of my experiences made me me. But suddenly I was in a relationship where I was required to defend my right to have sex — before I’d even met him. It was emotionally exhausting.
It became clear that this relationship was not going to offer me the level of understanding and trust that I craved. And clearly, he wanted someone … different. After months of arguments and trying to make it work, I broke up with him.
So she dumped him. The title of her article shows what she is supposedly thinking, “My boyfriend was intimidated by my sexual history. So I dumped him.” He was intimidated… By her sexual history… Now, I ask you, does that make any sense? I thought not.
Why do women like to use the word intimidation? Because it is an attempt to cut at a man’s honor. For the longest time, men were expected to have courage. It was needed for him to potentially be a defender of the group. Furthermore it was required for facing the normal day to day challenges of life. To call a man a coward was the greatest insult. As Girl Writes What once discussed, being shamed with a white feather was enough to coerce British Men in WWI to enlist.
What about today? With the expectation that a Kumbaya world is just around the corner, there really is no need for men to be courageous. And since the government is their benefactor and protector, women no longer need men to stand up to the world for them. Men have taken the hint. Courage is not needed.
This is one reason why these calls of intimidation are falling on deaf ears. Men don’t really care if one implies that they are a coward or not. So what will women fall back on in their attempt to shame/control men?