Within minutes of meeting my Bumble date at a bike race, he demanded that I take off my sunglasses so he could see my eyes. I obliged. In the two hours we were together, he proceeded to put his hand firmly on my butt, pretending to usher me through a crowd. He also did not ask before reaching over to rub my shoulders, as though he had a right to touch my body.
As a feminist writer, I understand that these behaviors denote male entitlement and indicate that he might not respect women. And yet, I was turned on. I have always been attracted to dominant men.
This almost sounds like it came from a romance novel. She does like dominant men; or rather, men who trigger her feelings of being dominated.
And she has a thing for this male entitlement stuff. Undoubtedly if she wasn’t turned on, she would have made it clear that he was not so entitled to do what he desired.
I have intermittently been dating online for over two years, and I have dated all kinds of men: those in white-collar jobs and blue-collar ones; white men; dark men; young men; older men; tall men; short men; men who lie about their relationship status. But what hasn’t wavered, is that, as a “traditionally feminine” woman, I end up being attracted to the men who come off as “traditionally masculine.”
I am not sure that I buy this “traditionally masculine” stuff. This is the Washington Post, so probably she is a semi-high-flyer, a coastal elite. What she probably runs into are guys with some smarts, some money and some/lots of posturing. This is not traditionally masculine in my book. She is just being fooled by various attraction triggers being tripped.
From what I’ve glimpsed in dating these 30- to 45-year-old men, most of them seemed to be just as confused as I am. They try to be progressive when it comes to gender roles but don’t have a clear blueprint of how to proceed.
“Progressive” is key. In this case, it probably means espousing the correct views on the current issues, and also very often growing up as supplicating manjinas (these are probably the ones she does not like).
It seems that Feminism has tried to neuter boys/men from day one. The boys who grew up during this regime are now men, and they do not have what it takes to trigger her (clear blueprint of how to proceed).
I find myself being charmed by the brash and often oafish inappropriateness of some men — the way they clumsily flirt by making crude penis jokes, the way they eagerly want to fix things around my house, and in my life, by offering up unsolicited advice. At the same time, these feel like betrayals of feminist views I have come to hold. I now see how inappropriate sexual jokes are part and parcel of an objectifying culture; I know that “mansplaining” indicates a guy might underestimate my capabilities and intelligence; and I can see that a man suffering from White Knight Syndrome has a keen lack of self-worth. Yes, I know.
There is lots of stuff here. She is turned on by crude jokes and guys telling her how things are (i.e being dominant). But then she realizes that she is being objectified (but she kind of likes it). And her awesome intelligence is being assaulted, but is it? Does the fella know what he is talking about? If so, maybe she should listen. But then, she maybe doesn’t care, as being seemingly dominated is the key..
Then she undresses white knights. They are double untingly.
I know many woman who would be incredulous if a man displayed such machismo as to put his hands on her body — as if he were owed access to it — within minutes of meeting. And I don’t blame them. Women are becoming more rigid in the behaviors they’ll accept in a mate, which is leaving a lot of men confused.
There it is again, the men’s entitlement thing. But then again, she likes it.
As for women becoming more rigid in what they will accept: I am not sure that will work out for them so well. Perhaps they might want to rethink that.
I also know that such oafish behavior from men will get annoying soon enough, that the unsolicited advice will soon manifest into resentment, and whatever desire my younger self had to impress a man with my body and domesticity is as dead as my first marriage. Which often leaves me wanting to move on.
So she doesn’t care if she impresses him with her body or domesticity. What does she offer?
Probably she gets embarrassed with respect to her friends by going out with guys who are primarily posture. But she is turned on. Eventually her friends view wins, and she backs away.
But slowly, something is happening. Many “manly” men are becoming wise to the ways in which patriarchy has diminished their lives as well. Just as women have been sold a bill of sour goods about our worth, men have been sold a similar lot. Like me, they are coming to fresh insights: that emotions have purpose, that machismo often isn’t the answer, and perhaps, women have far more value to offer their lives than they ever imagined. Maybe this comes from spending a fair amount of time swiping right and realizing that snagging a quality catch requires more than what they have been doing in the past; that their conventional ideas of manliness, and furthermore, their entitlement, have led them toward their ruin, just as my need for their attention has led me to mine.
In the end, she really does not like the present men, and is hoping for something better. Apparently she blames the Evil Patriarchy for these fellas that she dates having false machismo (i.e. posturing). I think not. She really does not know what kind of fellas that Evil Patriarchy produced. It was not these posturing men, nor was it neutered type (the white knights she mentioned). What were these men of the Evil Patriarchy like?
When I was a wee lad, I got to know many old men who lived in the Evil Patriarchy, or rather, they were the Evil Patriarchy. They were patriarchs, who took pride in their families. They worked hard, and did what they thought was best. They were accomplished, stood up for themselves, and did what they had to do. These are the types of men that she is looking for. But Feminism had to destroy their sons and grandsons as boys before they ever had a chance.