Horseman provided a link to an article where a woman attempts to explain why it’s OK for a woman to leave a man after she decides he isn’t meeting her needs. I decided that my own life makes a wonderful counterpoint to such a view:
1. She married too young:
“She married her high school or college sweetheart, and after 20 plus years of marriage, she begins to question her own happiness. She starts longing for something different and time missed, and she wonders about something better. After painstakingly making the choice to pursue the next chapter, she leaves hoping she will find what she’s looking for.”
He married his girlfriend, who left college to get him to marry her. In order to satisfy her need for steady income, he had to give up his dreams and get a steady job, one which killed his soul and drained his spirit into the gutter. In return, for many decades now, he got nothing but “I want more from you” out of her.
2. She’s the breadwinner:
“She chose a career that provides for the family and agreed to carry the burden as the provider. Over time, this wears on her, and she comes to resent him for not having to work. He becomes unattractive to her, and she soon realizes that she can do it alone and feel happier. While writing a check to her Ex will feel crazy, the choice to leave and the struggle ahead seem easier than staying.”
She carried her half of the load until he was making enough for her to decide to begin breeding. She’s never returned to carrying her share, relying upon the law to give her 50% of everything despite putting in only 15% of the investment.
3. She’s done nurturing:
“She fulfilled her need for nurturing with her children, but now they need less or have left the nest. His needs become overwhelming, and she just wants to focus on herself for once. She begins to search for herself and discovers that she is missing a big piece of her soul and that journey to find it is a solo one. She hopes her marriage can tolerate her pilgrimage into herself, but discovers that it’s just not possible so she’s forced to choose between the two.”
He was pushed away from his own children, because she deemed his parenting ideas to be wrong and detrimental to the development of HER children. His role was reduced to bringing home the bacon and being the heavy when the kids rebelled. Now that they are grown (and hopefully launched successfully), he no longer feels close to the woman he bred with. He sees no reason for hope that anything will get better without going through a great risk of losing it all, and he’s too tired to make it all again. He’d rather enjoy what meagre pleasures he’s allowed as he sinks into his sunset.
4. She feels empty:
“She has given up parts of herself for the relationship, but the return on investment hasn’t been enough. She is lonely and starving for an emotional connection because the intimacy in the marriage has been neglected for too long. She tries to explain it to him, but he doesn’t see her needs. The pain becomes too great and she has to get out to survive.”
He gave up himself in toto for the relationship, and the return on that investment made 1929 look good in comparison. He is lonely and emotionally starving, because he got tired of pursuing the intimacy carrot which was almost always dangled just out of reach. The few times it wasn’t, it was given grudgingly as a reward for good behavior. She never tried to see his needs, for life is all about her. The pain became too great, and he gave up hope for anything better as it’s easier to survive when one isn’t tearing off the scabs. He’s now merely existing, living that life of quiet desperation Thoreau described.
5. She gets ignited:
“She tries something new or deepens her connection to herself and discovers something exciting and long forgotten. She tries to feel that spark within herself while in the marriage, but the light gets blown out each time she wants to share it. It becomes clear that she will need to make a choice between her own inner fire and the marriage, and ultimately she chooses herself.”
He tries something new, only to be asked “How much did that cost? Why aren’t you at work?” His social conditioning doesn’t let him consider leaving her, for all human connection available to him is through her. She spent a lot of time running off his friends and alienating his offspring. He might as well be the Steppenwolf.
Women who take this whining path risk the wrathful response of men who feel used and abused in this manner, and who won’t be sympathetic when the grievance lists are compared. Despite all of the hype surrounding human bonding, women let men know they have been chosen before most men will “pursue” her. So if women don’t like what they end up with, why didn’t they do due diligence and vet their options better in the first place? Or are they fairy princesses for whom magic will deliver the fantasy and Love will find a way?
This is why young men across the world are refusing to enter relationships. Great costs for no gain or gratitude. Even a fool can see this. Why can’t women?