If periodic surges of comments are anything to go by, there’s a real need for dating advice on this blog. “Why in blue blazes is Cill of all people wading into this hellish subject?”, I hear you ask. “He hasn’t exactly contributed much to it to date.” (Yep, pun intended. Keep a sharp eye out for puns on this post).
Well it strikes me that Spawny and I, with a sum total of near-zero dating experience between us, could proffer advice from the perspective of men who have not been jaded by the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. In addition, Moehau Man, from the faraway fastness of his home in the rugged Coromandel, could contribute some stone age insights that Mrs Moehau Man (his stalwart old mum) could embellish with her primeval homilies and saws.
I confess I have not discussed this subject with Spawny to date, but knowing the altruistic bent* of the man, I have no doubt that he’ll bring us the benefit of his MSGL (Movie Star Good Looks) or least not go missing* without uncommonly good cause. (*Sharp eye, people, sharp eye.)
If he balks at the role of agony aunt, we hope to tempt him with the moniker “Aunty Pat” in lieu of “Aunty Patriarch” . Better still, “Aunt Patter*” does seem like a loaded handle* for a potent bloke whose outstanding* attribute is BTMSGL (Better Than MSGL) (*Warned there be puns, didn’t I?)
I was thinking of persuading Choicy to enrich the discussion with some homespun philosophy from the Aussie outback, but unfortunately he would compromise the crucial “unjaded” aspect of the plan (he having had considerable dating experience with ‘roos and Wombats, much of it negative).
Now according to legend, I’ve had considerable dating experience with goats. Let me say here and now, this is mere myth. It started when some jokers wrote “I Fuck Goats” on my forehead when I was once deep asleep. A couple of mornings later, those same jokers were found trussed and naked, bollocks-up on a suburban lawn. They were found by a bevy of chaste and beautiful young misses whom they had hitherto been anxious to impress. It was a “zero sum game” in a way. The amount I gained from making my point equaled their total ballsup of a loss. Or maybe their ordeal was more like “alpha fucks” (them triumphantly leaving their mark on my forehead) vs “beta bucks” (them being planted with their arses carefully angled for maximum photosynthesis in a bright and breezy dawn). Whichever way, the point was not wasted on them – although the docking rings did introduce a certain “waisted” profile to the bollocks.
Hey, that’s an example of the sort of unjaded wisdom I can bring to bear (“bear” .. get it? get it? …never mind).
And I had a rethink re Choicy. For those of you whose dating history is so mired in misfortune that you must have jaded advice, Choicy will be live online during those brief periods when his waking hours coincide with yours.
So here we are, an illustrious panel of esteemed experts. We expect questions from that tiny percentage of daters who are discerning enough to recognize unjaded wisdom when they come* across it. We can offer shafts of enlightenment to
either any gender. No matter the social girth or dearth of your pronoun, our unjaded expertise has it covered.
Come on then, ask us anything. Anything at all. (Nothing too complicated, mind, or too subtle, or demanding, or mentally challenging… or unnecessarily deep or worldly-wise). Anything else is fine by us (except smart-arsery of course, or flippancy, or anything presupposing experience of dating sites). As we said, anything else is fine. (
As a special enticement, we will offer to probe deep into female minds on your behalf. This should be a titillating experience for
both all sexes. “Like poking smushed soup with a Kauri Club”, Mrs Moehau Man (Moe’s astute old mum) observed just then.
Okay, you’ve got the gist. Ask, and ye shall be given. Seek, and ye shall find. Or…
Come, and get it. (Strewth, even a comma can be punish 😉 )
Goes without saying, off-topic comments will be welcome to an unusual degree here. The subject matter and the quality of the assembled expertise will allow no other approach.