(To tide us over the weakend)
You arrive at a highfalutin hospital (you have medical insurance). Your private suite comes with TV, stereo, Wi-Fi, all the trimmings.
You are introduced to your “nurse for today”. She wears a wedding ring. After going over a long list of regulation questions with you she asks you to strip and don a blue hospital gown. You oblige in the privacy of your en suite.
When you come out she giggles and informs you that you’ve put it on back-to-front.
“Here”, she says, as she efficiently disrobes and re-robes you so that the gown opens at the back instead of the front. During this process she touches your bare skin and your woody leaps forth like a spinnaker-boom shunting a jib.
“We don’t bother tying it up at the back”, she jokes, “The nurses like to check out the buns.”
Later that night, she is most pleasant and efficient during her routine checks on you. During her latest visit, however, you haven’t heard her leave as before. Is she lingering in the curtained-off entranceway to your room? The sounds suggest that… yes, she is… lingering. Malingering… Er, masturbating, actually.
SO WHAT DO WE BLOODY WELL DO, FOLKS?
(If you’re a woman, pretend she’s a lezzo for the purposes of these questions, okay?):
- Pretend we haven’t noticed, and solemnly continue stropping to porn on the net (or whatever else we were doing at the time)?
- Try to regain control of ourselves by picturing a camp cowboy wearing his chaps backwards?
- Challenge her to deliver a merciless tickling to our preferred body part (which may or may not be the head)?
- Urgently ask whether she can produce a condom – and keep our gown on back-to-front if she can’t?
- To hell with the consequences, we pray she’s a widow, and…
- Jump her in the entrance area (we’ll have to restrict our repertoire to dog-style in the cramped space).
- Take her between the sheets (hoss style, dog style, any cucking style) with gallant panache and aplomb.
6. Lodge a sexual harassment complaint with the Police:
(a) immediately, or:
(b) after #5
NOTE: THIS IS A SERIOUS QUESTION
What did I actually do?
A stone age codpiece, complete with a droop-proof oblong rock, will be awarded to the winner.
[Cill edit: for a woman the codpiece will be optional]