In the movie Annie Hall, Woody Allen presents a scene which has to still be one which resonates with the vast majority of viewers. Both main characters are visiting therapists, and both therapists ask about the frequency of sex in the relationship. Alvy Singer: [lamenting] “Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.” Annie Hall: [annoyed] “Constantly. I’d say three times a week.”
Everyone has not only heard that joke, but lived it. That is why it worked so well.
It turns out that there is something factual in this observation in real life. Therapists insist that “the majority of Americans in their 30s and 40s want to have sex with their partner two to three times per week” [Dr. Eric Grasser] while others claim that once a week is plenty, provided it’s orgasmic [Arianne Cohen, author of The Sex Diary Project: What We’re Saying About What We’re Doing]
It doesn’t stop there. Marriage and family therapist Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill claims, “In our 30s, we might generally expect a desire of (having sex) more than once a month.” Note that she uses the term “desire” and not the term “actually having” in her comment.
On the other hand, female newlyweds -asked about the frequency of their sex lives, responded with “Doing it once a week is a good week for us” and “I think I’m happy if we hit the twice-a-month mark” and “It’s been at least two months since we’ve done the deed.”
Is it any wonder why such women might eventually complain that their men aren’t interested in them anymore? This is much more likely once he’s done his genetic duty and made her a mother. A cursory search of the Internet turned up three examples of mothers talking about the importance of their children relative to their husbands. Two put their children first:
The third is the only one who appears to have put any thought into her relationship with the father of her children:
“…this goes against the golden rule of motherhood, the one that tells us being a good parent means sacrificing all for the happiness and well-being of our children.
“But I view my investment in my relationship with my spouse as one that is beneficial to our family as a whole. Prioritizing my husband’s needs decreases our chances of getting divorced; it also increases the probability that our children will remain in a two-parent home. In a few years, our son and daughter will leave our home and when they do, I want to celebrate a job well done with my lover — not sit in a quiet house with a person who has become a stranger as a result of years of quietly drifting apart.”
She doesn’t say, but I believe it’s safe to assume that among her husband’s needs is sex.
Dr. Teesha Morgan, Vancouver-based Sex Therapist and Couples Counselor, stated that women view sex as something they do for someone else. Motherhood is one such activity by definition. It’s thus no wonder that mothers deem sex with their husbands as just another imposition upon them, one he’s supposed to understand when he’s rebuffed.
Samantha Rodman PhD reveals that the women she counsels tend to complain that “I’m having sex with my husband X times per week (usually this is 1-3) and he’s STILL not happy.” When Dr. Rodman asks if the sex is enjoyable, the response tends to be “Yeah, sometimes.”
Dr. Rodman examines the causes and effects of this, and comes up with what I believe is a rational set of conclusions:
* 1. The woman wants to have sex probably once every 1-2 weeks, particularly within ‘monotogamy.’ [In other words, no surprises. Same Ol’ Vanilla Sex.]
* 2. When this schedule happens, the woman actually has a chance to miss sex, think about sex, and desire sex.
* 3. Thus, the sex is enjoyable! For her.
* 4. The man finishes too quickly because he hasn’t had sex in a week or more, and he may also feel resentful, because…
* 5. The man wants to have sex 2-14 times a week. (I said “wants,” not what would be practical.)
* 6. Thus, the man thinks, “What is the big deal for her? Sex takes about 20 minutes max, and even if she doesn’t enjoy it at first, she could get into it, and then we would all be happy.”
* 7. Yet, the man must admit that, generally, sex at his desired frequency is not that great because it is fairly obvious that his wife is dissociating and wishing it was over.
Lastly, Dr. Rodman points out that some women think “What is the big deal for him to either masturbate the other X times per week that he wants sex, or just wait? It’s so much better when I don’t feel pressured.” This of course misses entirely the reason why men remain monogamous. They want sexual and emotional connection to one woman who doesn’t make them resort to Game and other dating practices only to get mediocre sex – IF he gets anywhere with a different woman.
In addition, some women feel that ANY sexual activity which doesn’t involve them -no matter how uninterested they themselves might be- constitutes cheating. If these women cared about their men, they would figure out some way to accommodate his sexual and emotional needs. Such was the case with the mother above who put her husband first, so we know that it CAN be done.
It’s my opinion that why too many women do not put husbands first begins with the ubiquitous maternal edicts while growing up. Every girl hears her mother say “All he wants is sex” followed by the thunderous oration of “THOU SHALT NOT!” and “GOOD GIRLS DON”T – EVER” to the point it haunts them. This was admitted by the author of an article I ran across: “To be honest, my mother, still very much alive, assumes a ghostly, accusatory form and haunts my desk whenever I start to describe, say, giving a blow job…” It is a common enough occurrence that many therapists admit that such admonitions remain effective long past the wedding. One religion writer even wonders: “Has anyone done a study to see how many Mormon men, who are addicted to pornography, are married to angelic women who have no sexual desire?” This would reveal that religion also plays a role in inhibiting female sexual expression. As this last author asks, “Could it be that our insistence on talking about male desire and female purity is leading to problems for married couples who do not know how to negotiate an equal sexual interaction?” I say yes.
But women do little-to-nothing about this themselves, and don’t cooperate with the efforts of their men. As Virginia A. Sadock, MD, director of the program in human sexuality at New York University Langone Medical Center, states: “Women can cheat themselves out of good sex because they don’t take responsibility for their own feelings, both physically and emotionally.” On the other hand, French ELLE writer Sophie Fontanel posits that “I’ve noticed that many other women believe they have to lie and act as if their sex life is so rewarding when that’s simply not the case—in actuality they are bored or unfulfilled.” She goes on to present a case for abstinence as the basis of a good life, rather than suggest that this boredom and lack of sexual fulfilment is due to an incredibly passive approach to sex.
This attitude is hardly uncommon: “…we haven’t had sex since the beginning of 2008….The truth is, I couldn’t be happier about our situation…” The best riposte to this canard comes from post commenter Larry Shisler: “‘I’m happy with the arrangement too!’ said no straight guy ever.”
For many women, there is a belief that “If you have one, he will come”, yet Having A Vagina Doesn’t Mean Men Are Going To Drop At Your Feet. While the article doesn’t cover exactly the topic I was intending, its title says it all as bluntly as I intend.
There are even some who express hostility that women ever put a man before other women in her life. One such is “life coach” Iyanla Vanzant, who declared on her TV show: “That breaks my heart that as women, you let a penis penetrate your friendship.” Again, the best retort comes from commenter tom11zz884: “…she puts the blame on the ‘Penis’ for ruining the relationship, when in fact their “Vaginas” wasn’t [sic] exactly turning down the ‘Penis’….lol”
It is from such hostile feminine attitudes that MGTOW evolved in response. UK counsellor Andrea Blundell revealed some of her conclusions counselling men about relationship issues. Among her findings were:
* Men are angry because they feel trapped by [female] expectations of how the ‘ideal’ man should behave.
* Men are acutely aware of what our idea of a perfect man is and know how much we judge them if they aren’t one.
She concludes: “I’ve realised my chemistry is hard-wired to the idea that men are strong saviours and my new ability to understand they aren’t has left me somewhere I never expected to be — uninterested. I don’t need someone to save me — I am strong enough now to tackle life on my own.”
In this, she follows the advice of the oldest living woman in Scotland, Centenarian Jessie Gallan. At age 109, she insists that the secret to her longevity is to eat your porridge and avoid men.
And Ms Blundell has many other young women joining her in not wanting or needing men, not even to make them mothers. Reporter Mary Mcconnell found women as young as 18 are resorting to sperm donors online as they give up the hunt for Mr Right. And, in the ultimate feminist wet dream, Science will soon be able to produce viable embryos from the cells of two women, which would completely eliminate the need for male participation in reproduction. That should make the likes of Miss Gallan, and Iyanla Vanzant, and Andrea Blundell very happy.
In the mean time, those women seeking cuddling can “buy one of those huge body pillows and name it James and call it a day”, similar to something Yoda discovered: “a disturbing trend for disaffected young men to fall in love with a pillow printed with their favorite anime character and announce the pillow is their girlfriend.”
Gee, in light of all I presented here today, why would ANY man EVER consider taking such a radical step?