Liz made an interesting comment in my last post comment thread:
“Selling herself as a potential good wife, if she would indeed make a good wife, is not manipulation.”
What most young men don’t know or understand until it’s too late is that women don’t always know what they are promising when they promise. I have personal experiences with this problem, as I’ve related in the past. I could go off on a long and tangential rant about the appropriateness of the gerund “selling” in feminine interactions with marriageable men. But since I want the understanding of what I’m discussing to get through, I’ll not rehash them now. I’ll let others’ comments do it for me.
Suffice it to say for now that since 78 percent of women said finding a partner with a steady job was most important (Pew Research Center study), fewer men can afford the cost of the distaff purchase.
“Unfortunately, considering the recent state of the labor market, it may be hard for single women to find employed single men, one of several factors contributing to the low marriage rate. “If all never-married young women in 2012 wanted to find a young employed man who had also never been married, nine percent of them would fail, simply because there are not enough men in the target group,” the report stated.”
That would be roughly 1 woman in 11. Some of these will resort to picking some guy they believe they can manipulate into becoming an employed male to support her, because she isn’t about to support HIM! But their prospects for success aren’t as good now as they might once have been for their mothers. As one commenter said in a post I read,
“Basically everyone is this way now. Most people are going solo and living alone and don’t want to get married these days. It’s a sign of the times. There’s no money, no jobs… ‘Who would?’ is the real question.” [minor editing by me for clarity]
An expanded version of why men aren’t so interested to accept feminine matrimonial promises comes from Peter Lloyd, writing for The Daily Mail (UK):
“For an army of women, Mr Right is simply not there, no matter how hard they look for him. And the reason? When it comes to marriage, men are on strike. Why? Because the rewards are far less than they used to be, while the cost and dangers it presents are far greater. ‘Ultimately, men know there’s a good chance they’ll lose their friends, their respect, their space, their sex life, their money and — if it all goes wrong — their family,’ says Dr Helen Smith, author of Why Men Are Boycotting Marriage, Fatherhood And The American Dream. ‘They don’t want to enter into a legal contract with someone who could effectively take half their savings, pension and property when the honeymoon period is over. ‘Men aren’t wimping out by staying unmarried or being commitment phobes. They’re being smart.’ “
Dr Smith goes on to explain this in a specific instance in a recent post on her web site:
“When I told her men did not want to marry much anymore, she looked bewildered, and said, “Is it because they are selfish?” “No,” I said, “it’s because women are selfish.” This mother had no idea what the disconnect was between what she thought about men and what they actually are. She told me that her son was involved with a woman whom he lived with, whom he provided for, bought gifts for and helped out when he could. This woman, in turn, racked up more and more bills, including $100,000 in student loans, without including him in her plans at all.” [My emphasis]
“There are many mothers out there who simply don’t understand what their grown sons are going through, particularly older women who have sons in their late twenties and thirties who do not want to marry, or are hesitant to make that commitment….Men these days have to be much more careful than women about whom they settle down with, have children with, and marry. Now this mom seemed to get that. I hope that she can now understand her son a little bit better and be supportive of his choices in this difficult legal and psychological climate.”
A less diplomatic phrasing of “this difficult legal and psychological climate” comes from another article in The Daily Mail:
“By the time your son is 18, he will probably have absorbed the social message that his dad is much less valuable as a parent than his mother — that fathers in families are an added bonus, not a crucial cog.” [my emphasis]
This is not false or made up. I watched this happen to my father long before feminism was even a thing. I saw it be applied to my grandfather. I’ve seen it applied to friends and relatives. I’ve experienced this first hand. It may well have gone on as far back as when Ug was out looking for something to drag back to the cave for dinner.
One of the more outrageous I encountered in my travels across the Inter Tubes was a recent article (I lost the link, but will update this post if I find it), where the mother decided while on her way to a tubal ligation -after delivering her third child- that she wasn’t done having babies yet. She previously had discussed this procedure with the father, and he thought they had agreed that three kids was it. Father had no say in the decision to delay the ligation, and he ended up with a fourth juvenile mouth to support despite the reneged agreement that they couldn’t afford any more kids. Mom is jazzed about her subversive addition. No word from her on how Dad feels.
Where is the respect he is due from her to honor agreements she made with him? Would she not insist that he abide his agreements with her to the letter? It looks to me that what he wants and expects is not important to her at all. This is hardly uncommon. The vast majority of married men put up with this relatively frequently. It can also affect unmarried men in relationships, as the number of pregnant brides can attest.
But once a man has made his woman a mother, this usually happens:
“I had been married for nearly three years when I stopped wanting to “get busy” with the man to whom I’d pledged my life….I didn’t want to. My sex drive, my libido, that thing I’d heard about on radio and TV shows, the thing I hadn’t thought could ever really go away, had completely disappeared.”
Traditionalists want to see women withhold sex until after marriage. It would only make the problem of men feeling cheated and lied to by their women worse. Making divorce harder to get will only result in less savory “solutions” sought by the desperate. The only realistic outcome of this situation is for men to avoid matrimony – and to not believe a word women tell them about how good they will be once the deal is concluded, for they know not what they say.