I have known women, but none of them came into my life via the dating market. I have never asked a woman for a date. With such paucity of dating experience to back me, I thought why not set myself up as a Dating Adviser? At least my advice won’t be jaded by experience.
Well, to cut a short story short, here it is: Uncle Cill’s Agony Column.
All ye of experience and inexperience alike, look upon my works and despair. The bible-literate among you might recognize bits and pieces of Micah and Matthew 5 in My Pearls of Pauce Perspicacity. I’m not a bible-literate man, and the biblical bits merely appear to be there, as a matter of pure coincidence, except the italicized parts which are reproductions almost verbatim. To those who are timid of heart, be bold and read on! You have no danger here of losing yourself in genuflecting awe…
My Pearls of Pauce Perspicacity
(don’t I just love PPPs?):
- Blessed is the woman who can laugh at herself.
- Cursed are women with axe-blade noses, for excepting sliced cheese they just don’t cut it any more.
- Blessed are men with axe-blade noses, for when they “go down” they rock the Man in the Boat.
- Woe unto men who mourn and from AWALTs seek comfort!
- Blessed is the woman who works evil on her husband, and she does it in the morning to feel the power of his stand.
- Blessed are women who hunger and thirst after their husbands: for with joy they shall be filled.
- Cursed are the women who hunger and thirst after bad boys: for on the taxpayer they shall be dumped.
- Woe unto women who spread for entitlement, for they shall be ungainfully employed.
- Torn are the wives of righteous men, for they beget the taxpayers of tomorrow.
- Cursed are lovers of bad men, for they beget generational hopelessness.
- Blessed are the merciful women, for in the End Days they shall be shown mercy by the accursed.
- Woe unto the meek, for they shall inherit great hurt.
- Woe unto the partner of Big Red, for her lips shall beat his heads to death by the day, by the hour, nay, by the very minute…
- Men are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.
- Settle matters quickly with the woman who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or she may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.
- Woe unto the man who fawns on the enemy of his brother and turns a blind eye to her persecution of him.
- Great are the men who, notwithstanding their pain, fall into the abyss of AWALT for less than an eternity.
Paleaceous Paltry Palaver:
Well as you can see, My Pearls of Pauce Perspicacity became Passages of Pompous Piffle. This was inevitable, given the egotistical nature of my character. (In my own defense, none of those PPPs reached my other PPPs – Predatory Promiscuous Princesses – in level of odiousness)
However, those of you who might be about to launch forth into the world of dating might find some cause for pause in my pithy pearls. Those of you who possess great dating experience might approvingly nod your heads at my purple patches of prose and mutter something along the lines of “out of the mouths of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise”.
Why, come up with some precocious palaver of your own of course! I’ll add the best* ones to the post. [*Note: I shall be the sole arbiter of “best”]
Or, if you’re a Master of Chaos, or of altruistic bent, steer the comments off topic at your earliest convenience…