Liz suffers that we may not… Not Bad, For a Fake Orgasm (50 Shades review)


Fifty shades of something

Fifty shades of something

What do you get, when you take the word’s worst published novel and make it into a movie? Pretty much what you’d expect. Actually, in all honesty, since the book sucked ass from beginning to finish cutting out parts actually kind of, sort of, improved things.

For example, I was only treated to the line, ‘laters baby’ three times instead of fifty, and was spared the inner monologues regarding Anastasia’s “inner Goddess”. There was not a single “Jeez” (well over fifty of those in the book), “Oh, my” (probably 50 times in the book), or Holy (shit/fuck/crap/hell/cow/Moses)” (used over 150 times in the book…someone actually counted). We were even spared the scene with Bella’s tampon (excuse me, Ana’s tampon).

As bad as this movie is (it’s REALLY bad), I can’t understand why anyone who liked the book wouldn’t like it…perhaps because, in the harsh reality of screen-light, the characters appear to be every bit as mundane and unlikeable as they really are, and the dialogue as preposterous as it really is?
Yes, Virginia, a grown man should never refer a parlor as his ‘playroom’ and when he does you really do envision Pee Wee Herman dancing around in his. The actor’s delivery came across as wooden and contrived, but this was absolutely true to the writer’s fantasy. (“Mr Grey’s” film performance reminded me, strangely, of Steven Guttenburg’s character on Three Men and a Little Lady with the perpetual nondescript, confused wide-eyed stare. But, really, what was the actor supposed to do with that part?)

There was one “plot twist” (if I can use the term in a movie devoid of any real plot) that pleasantly surprised me: Anastasia’s “independence” was never really touted. When she ran home to her mother for “advice” it actually looked like she was…running home to her mother. When Mr Grey pursued her it actually came across like what it was (stalking). If anything, compared to the book he under-stalked, under-regulated, under-demanded by far. But not one reviewer (to my knowledge) has noted this…they’ve only noted how controlling the self-described sadist comes across, as though it were somehow new information.

But aside from discarding the “independence” aspect, the actress captured her character’s essence in the book, exact. She was precisely as clumsy, moronic and (to steal the line from the Lego Movie) the least talented and least extraordinary person in the world.
By contrast, Mr Grey is a self-made billionaire surrounded by beautiful people 24/7, is a beautiful looking person himself, accomplished pilot, athletic, plays the piano…but he is a tragic figure because he has that secret that makes him broody, and (for reasons that are never made clear) only Bella…er, Anastasia can fill his hollow soul. Because, under that sadistic/stalking/control freak is a really pure heart that needs cuddling by the least interesting person he could ever strap onto his play table. And he shows her just what a wonderful special snowflake she is in his estimation via a series of “firsts” (first sleepover in his bed, first girl to meet his parents, yadda yadda).

As a related side-note, I was also pleasantly surprised that the hens didn’t wear skanky outfits. They sure talked such a big game, “Wear your costume, hee hee!” They spoke of props and masks, and so forth. I thought I’d be “out of costume” wearing jeans and my hoodie with sneakers, but they were all dressed about the same. I think there were three men in the whole theater, with their dates probably sixty or so women. And, in fact, none of those women brought the “props” or wore the types of cougar suits I’d expected.

When I left, I felt as though I’d eaten a bad meal with mild indigestion. Kind of like leaving the scene of an accident, I didn’t look around but just headed straight for the door and wanted to get the hell out of there…but I never once actually had to fight a compulsion to yell ‘fire’ in the crowded theater to escape, so there’s that. Going in with the extraordinarily low expectations I had for this movie…it met them, but didn’t exceed them.

Thanks Liz. That you managed to add humour to the review speaks volumes of you. Brava!

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Posted in Fun, Movie TV Review
52 comments on “Liz suffers that we may not… Not Bad, For a Fake Orgasm (50 Shades review)
  1. Yoda says:

    Tribbles in picture those are?

    [SG – Bullshit!]

    Like

  2. Yoda says:

    She was precisely as clumsy, moronic and (to steal the line from the Lego Movie) the least talented and least extraordinary person in the world.

    Hot she was?

    Like

  3. Yoda says:

    “Interestingness” probably not the issue it is.

    Like

  4. Yoda says:

    With respect to this last comment would be,

    by the least interesting person he could ever strap onto his play table

    Like

  5. Yoda says:

    Yoda things backwards he does do.

    Like

  6. Spawny Get says:

    “Hot she was?”

    No, she’s not supposed to be too hot. Her character is deliberately aimed to be Miss Anybody, so that the girls and women that read the dreck can feel that she herself could be Bella Ana. She is deliberately not gifted in anyway.

    This is how women end up overvaluing themselves and undervaluing men. Even Miss Average is deserving of a billionaire that is driven beyond reason by desire for her mediocre self.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Yoda says:

    This is how women end up overvaluing themselves and undervaluing men. Even Miss Average is deserving of a billionaire that is driven beyond reason by desire for her mediocre self.

    Happens to men not.
    Telling this is.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Liz says:

    “This is how women end up overvaluing themselves and undervaluing men. Even Miss Average is deserving of a billionaire that is driven beyond reason by desire for her mediocre self.”

    Exactly. The only thing that was missing was the fat acceptance theme. Which is fortunate…

    And I like what you did to the title 😛

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Spawny Get says:

    “And I like what you did to the title”

    Thanks once again for the review…I wasn’t going to do it, that’s for sure…

    Like

  10. Spawny Get says:

    Yoda,
    yeah. Male fantasy doesn’t work like that generally speaking. Except these two techie ‘geniuses’

    Yeah…the guy from The Dead Zone…

    Like

  11. Spawny Get says:

    Also, mmmmmm Kelly Le Brock.

    Like

  12. Liz says:

    I read yesterday that Yves Edwards (retired UFC fighter) did a writeup. He went to see it with his wife on Val Day. He summarizes succinctly:

    “I have paid money to sit in a movie theater and watch garbage that is simultaneously destroying my brain cells, perpetuating the Prince Charming myth, decreasing my faith in humanity and portraying women as irrational and incompetent,” Edwards wrote. “I am negatively multitasking on a cosmic level.”

    He said his wife liked the books, but even she wanted to leave before it was over…hence, my review in that light. What were those 50 Shades lovers expecting that they thought missing, I wonder?

    Like

  13. Spawny Get says:

    Love that quote, “I am negatively multitasking on a cosmic level.”

    Like

  14. Yoda says:

    Even Miss Average is deserving of a billionaire that is driven beyond reason by desire for her mediocre self

    Hypergamy this would be.
    Write a post about this somebody should.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Yoda says:

    Liz suffers that we may not

    Jedi mind trick I did use

    Like

  16. molly says:

    Liz is brave! 🙂 I read 3 pages of the book and choked.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. molly says:

    Stuff the movie, I’m not seeing it. It’s been done before, a gazillion times. Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre, Mills and Boon, old Barbara what’s-her-name, piffle.

    I’m ashamed, women made it a best seller. Women can be really really dumb.

    No way was Liz going to like that book (or movie), no surprises Liz! lol
    Good on you. 🙂 You took one for the team!
    I agree with your conclusion, tho I haven’t seen the movie. I don’t need to and I won’t.

    P.S. I caught a fish this morning, eating it now. Nyum.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. molly says:

    Hahahaha!
    “Fifty shades of something” looks like shit solids

    Like

  19. molly says:

    “Fifty shades of something”

    Fifty shades of cow-pats should be harrowed for good husbandry. 😛

    (snort, chuckle, heh-heh)

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Spawny Get says:

    I’ve used the image before on the blog, it seems nobody realised what it was a picture of…

    Like

  21. molly says:

    I speak to you from aboard my boat! Off to work I go ho ho
    Home early this arvo I will come! Yay!
    Meantime Farewell!

    Be kind to each other, y’hear?
    To Liz and others in relationships:
    May your teeth never be replaced by freshly ironed wool socks.

    Like

  22. Yoda says:

    Fifty shades of cow-pats should be harrowed for good husbandry

    Not cute and cuddly like tribbles they are.

    Like

  23. Cill says:

    Polygeminus sex with Tribbles

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Spawny Get says:

    Bit monochromatic…needs more LSD

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Spawny Get says:

    Needs wings too, but no time at present…busy, busy, busy

    Like

  26. FuzzieWuzzie says:

    Liz,
    Sincerely, thank you for reviewing this titannic turkey. I had no idea that it would be quite this bad.

    Molly,
    Was the fish still flapping?

    Spawny Get,
    Molly’s avatar needs no embellishment.

    Until I saw this post, I hadn’t thought about the power of an average girl’s projection. Yes, the top tenth of the top one percentile male is going to just fall head over heels for an ordinary girl.
    Who are all these modern day women trying to prove PT Barnum right?
    “A sucker is born every minute.”

    Like

  27. Yoda says:

    “A sucker is born every minute.”

    Feminism, media and society say all true it is.
    Lie they do.
    No shame they have.

    Like

  28. FuzzieWuzzie says:

    Yesterday, I linked to something on COTWA and said that the subject of a Professor’s talk on an Ohio campus had the potential to turn into a riot. It didn’t but, here is the follow up.

    http://www.cotwa.info/2015/02/angry-protest-ohio-university-students.html

    Like

  29. Yoda says:

    Ohio University students declare that due process for college men is “bullshit”

    Honest they are.
    Sometimes true this is.

    Like

  30. Yoda says:

    Ohio University students declare that due process for college men is “bullshit”

    Cat out of bag it is.
    Their goal it would be.
    Precident it would set.

    Like

  31. Yoda says:

    I was also pleasantly surprised that the hens didn’t wear skanky outfits

    Winter it is.

    Like

  32. Yoda says:

    “Before Johnson began his presentation, protesters unanimously stood up, faced the crowd, and bared white-colored shirts that read ‘Rape is Real.'”

    Not the issue this is.
    Stupid they are.

    Like

  33. FuzzieWuzzie says:

    Yoda,
    Since he was there to debunk “rape culture”, I thought that the fembots would pullout all the stops.

    Like

  34. Yoda says:

    Since he was there to debunk “rape culture”

    This culture springs forth from what it does?

    Liked by 1 person

  35. Yoda says:

    More well done was the plot than Anakin and Padme’s love story?

    Like

  36. Liz says:

    “More well done was the plot than Anakin and Padme’s love story?”

    Not anywhere near as well done. But the sexual chemistry was about the same.

    Like

  37. Liz says:

    “Stupid they are.”

    They put the oopid in stupid.

    Liked by 1 person

  38. Liz says:

    Oopidly stupid people believe that intentions matter more than reality or results.
    They are also deeply offended, to the point of belligerence, when reality is shown to them.

    Liked by 1 person

  39. Yoda says:

    when reality is shown to them.

    Reality catches up to all people eventually it does.

    Like

  40. Yoda says:

    But the sexual chemistry was about the same.

    Good that Luke and Leia depended on genes and chemistry not.
    Though DNA chemistry it is.
    Confused I am.

    Like

  41. FuzzieWuzzie says:

    For today’s Oopidly stupid people story, Return of Kings has a post about a SJW couple that nearly killed their kitten feeding it a vegan diet.

    Like

  42. FuzzieWuzzie says:

    Liz,
    This will have to do until I can find a good aviation video for you. It’s the least I can do.

    Liked by 1 person

  43. FuzzieWuzzie says:

    Liz,
    This is one that Mike may want to see too.

    Liked by 1 person

  44. BuenaVista says:

    Fascinating: they go full rich (right side lever) and feather the throttle. I guess the engines had pumper carbs. Current technique is the opposite, but most piston craft have fuel injection, so pumping just floods it.

    The sunup to 2100 – 2200 is pretty extreme, not least with a ship with four engines. Current practice is 1700.

    Like

  45. FuzzieWuzzie says:

    Buena Vista,
    I thought I did see the mechanic pummping the carbs at the engine. While I am not very familiar with aircraft, I do remember hearing about Amals on British motorcycles.
    Odd that they wold start Engine No. 3, then 4, then the port engines. I thought I saw something years ago, it could well have been a dramatization, but I thought B-17s were started one, two, three, four.

    Like

  46. blurkel says:

    Climbing back on the horse after attending to family issues. My thanks to those who offered condolences.

    There is much to be said about 50 Shades, and I will soon have my say on it. But Liz marvels that “the hens didn’t wear skanky outfits”. In at least one instance I am aware of, the theater chain management announced that no one dressed “inappropriately” or bearing BDSM toys would be granted admittance. I’m sure there were others.

    But I really doubt there was any need to make such announcements. Having lived through the Rocky Horror fad, I never once expected “the hens” to don the garb. They won’t do that for their husbands, and they aren’t about to do that for a stranger, not even a movie stud.

    The personality type which attended Rocky Horror done up as the Sweet Transvestite isn’t about to indulge in reading the 50 Shades books or seeing the movie. Too vanilla for them. And as for the vanilla “hens”, reading the books was a private affair. Going out to actually see the movie while risking being seen by someone they know is about all the thrill they can handle.

    In the end, 50 Shades will prove to be much ado about nothing. Shakespeare would have had a lot of fun at its expense!

    Like

  47. Yoda says:

    Going out to actually see the movie while risking being seen by someone they know is about all the thrill they can handle.

    Shame they should feel.

    Like

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