Pleased to meet you – NOT!


This post is going to ramble some as my ideas aren’t well-formed, and I’m hoping your comments can refine them.  A recent rant in a previous comment thread by Tarnished regarding introductory social interaction got me to thinking. Tarnished listed some of the ways traditionally expressed by males performing ancient courtship rituals, and her response should cause a thinking male to rethink such a strategy.

For a while now, I have wondered how dating and mating were going to be affected by the way the genders tend to view each other in current time. No matter what, the way the genders interact has to change. What interaction we now have doesn’t work, and hasn’t for longer than anyone alive can remember. For the purposes of this exercise, I’m avoiding the legitimate complaints about divorce laws and other related legalisms. None of these will be corrected until the basic interaction between the genders decreases the perceived need for them. As I see things, any solution would require a more direct discussion as to desires and expectations, something I don’t think humanity is ready to initiate.

There is an element of confusion in gender relations which inhibits such introspection. For example, an ancient pop tune like “You Don’t Own Me” (the only tune which comes immediately to mind, which only shows I’m familiar with thunder lizards as neighbors) was probably close to what young women back then actually thought fairly regularly, but their actions didn’t necessarily match those words. She might lose him if she complained.

This contradiction didn’t help change male behavior any, as he wouldn’t know her thoughts unless she expressed them. Not speaking about these thoughts may even contribute to the manipulative behaviors by women which set men on edge, as being the only way she could get back at her man for doing such things.

I happen to believe -partly from experience- that men and women can’t be friends first and still evolve into lovers. The basis of a friend relationship tends to suppress any indications of desire due to those being seen as inappropriate to a friendship, particularly if the connection was formed under prior business or professional interactions.

It’s possible for lovers to develop into friends, but that takes a lot of time, tolerance, patience, and effort. I don’t see many people these days with the necessary patience, and that alone could contribute to the high rate of divorce and the growing hesitancy to seek marriage despite any participant expressions or pressures from elders to the contrary. It can also lead to the end of the marital sex life, as the friendship takes precedence.

And yet, at least on the female side of the issue, there is a great deal of commentary aimed at women seeking to find The One, which would likely generate hostility from the intended male objects of feminine affection if pursued as described. It is likely thus on the male side, in which I’m sure much of what passes for “advice” for would-be Lotharios inspires groaning in women.

Some societies cling to arranged marriages to avoid such difficulties. I don’t see that being a viable option, but that’s my opinion. I believe most people are too stubbornly independent to settle for that. What of matchmakers? Maybe in a small town situation, where such a person would know essentially everyone in town. But not for larger communities. Too much for a mere human to know well. I have no direct experience with Internet dating, and I know people who successfully navigated the rapids and whirlpools to achieve a meaningful connection, but they tend to be older folk. So mark me down as skeptical that such a strategy can work reliably for most people.

So, to steal a line from The Candidate, “What do we do now?”

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Posted in Blurkel, Marriage, MGTOW
16 comments on “Pleased to meet you – NOT!
  1. Farm Boy says:

    Blurkel,

    Sorry about stepping on your post. I posted mine and then realized that you had posted one shortly beforehand.

    Each side has to have reasonable expectations.

    First of all, marriage is not about “fun”.
    It is not a situation where one side exploits the other.
    It is a situation where there should be common goals.
    It is not a situation where :all of their dreams will come true”.

    I am sure others could add to this.

    Like

  2. Farm Boy says:

    I don’t see many people these days with the necessary patience

    They do not. In the olden days, individual patience was a given.

    Like

  3. Farm Boy says:

    I happen to believe -partly from experience- that men and women can’t be friends first and still evolve into lovers.

    I am thinking that it should be the other way around. Perhaps this is one reason why things are so messed up.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Tarnished says:

    Blurkel,

    In an admittedly strange and ironic turn of events…what you mentioned above as being close to impossible in terms of relationships is precisely how I met my lover. We used to work together, he started out as “just” a friend for a little over a year, spent another 9 months gradually teaching me about intimacy and sex, and for the past 8 years we’ve been FwB.

    What attracted me to him?
    First, his scent. The very first time I met him, I was simply blown away by how good and safe and *right* he smelled. Not his shampoo, not his deodorant, and thank the Gods he doesn’t wear cologne…his own personal scent was just a primal “wow!”.
    Sorry, I’ve no other way to explain it.

    As I got to know him, these traits made him stand out, as I’ve mentioned before:

    1. Honest
    2. Dependable
    3. Respectful
    4. Compassionate
    5. Good sense of humor
    6. Loving
    7. Confident

    He also differed from other guys who tried to date me/ask me out in high school by treating me as a 100% equal. If we went shopping, both of us carried the bags. In meals/movie tickets he was fine going dutch (or even letting me pay for the whole thing). We share dvds, videogames, and miniature supplies without needing to keep track. He is taller, bigger, and stronger than me but never tries to intimidate or posture, nor does he ever try to fight my battles (whether this means defending myself verbally, learning to do home repairs, or carrying heavy packages).

    *Warning: Possible TMI*

    The first time I realized I honestly, truly loved him was during our first time having PiV sex. He maneuvered us so that I was on top, which confused me since I thought a woman’s first time was always missionary position. My heart melted when he told me that *I* was the only one who mattered in this moment, and that I should be in control of everything that happened. He said he didn’t even care if he came…it was only important that I did. Nobody had *ever* told me that the safety and satisfaction of my body and mind mattered that much…I knew then, at that single glowing instant, that this beautiful man was someone I’d die for.

    Not because he was “alpha”. Not because he showed dominance or overtly masculine qualities. Not because he showered me with pretty lies. It was from thinking of me as a full equal with thoughts, issues, and needs of my own.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Tarnished says:

    Farm Boy,

    Your first comment is absolutely spot on.

    Like

  6. blurkel says:

    @Tarn

    “…what you mentioned above as being close to impossible…”

    I think it’s been established on these threads that you are a unicorn in a world of plow horses.

    Like

  7. Yoda says:

    plow horses

    Plow horses useful they are.
    Modern women different catagory they are in.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Yoda says:

    1. Honest
    2. Dependable
    3. Respectful
    4. Compassionate
    5. Good sense of humor
    6. Loving
    7. Confident

    Humor.
    Chicks humor they always do want.
    Curious this is.

    Like

  9. Yoda says:

    And yet, at least on the female side of the issue, there is a great deal of commentary aimed at women seeking to find The One

    Jesus it would not be.

    Example of hypergamy in action this is.
    Most men meet the criteria they cannot.
    E

    Like

  10. Tarnished says:

    Yoda,
    Because people who have no sense of humor aren’t always pleasant to be around. Also, someone who shares your humor is likely to understand you better and have more interesting conversations than idiot PC types who just dissect everything you say.

    That’s my take on it, at least. My FwB has mentioned more than once that he likes that I find his jokes funny, so it doesn’t seem to be purely a chick thing to want this in a partner.

    Like

  11. Yoda says:

    idiot PC types who just dissect everything you say.

    Dissect they may try.
    Exposed fools they leave

    Like

  12. Yoda says:

    “Humor” clever banter it typically does mean.
    Do without this Yoda can.
    Clever typically it is not.

    Like

  13. Spawny Get says:

    “someone who shares your humor ”

    Well…that’s me screwed then.

    Like

  14. Spawny Get says:

    Got to say, I think that most men would find the SMP and MMP more pleasant if more women shared Tarn’s list at 3:05am

    Liked by 1 person

  15. blurkel says:

    “Sorry about stepping on your post. I posted mine and then realized that you had posted one shortly beforehand.”

    No worries, Farm! I think there’s room enough.

    Like

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