Blurkel (who I encountered on Tarn’s blog) has very kindly written a post for this site. The quoted text is his post in its entirity, untouched by me. I’m going to put my comments in the comments, hope you do too.
Thank you very much Blurkel, much appreciated
Discussion has arisen recently on some sites as to whether married men can be MGTOW or not. I’m inclined to stand with the anti crowd. As I see it -and your opinion may well differ- a man who goes his own way doesn’t take anyone else along that path.
Married men by definition have dependents, and society expects that their needs will be met by these men no matter what. The dependents aren’t supposed to be left behind to fend for themselves. And yet, too often, they are. This makes society less accepting of once-married men reclaiming their lives. This is why divorced men are not seen in a good light. Far better to not get caught up in this scam in the first place, and escape public opprobrium for a preventable mistake.
Marriage is not something forced on anyone. It is a choice that men make. The only problem is that this is not an uninformed choice. We men rarely have a clue what we are getting ourselves into, and women make sure via sex and other manipulations that we men don’t think about what we are giving up for them before we sign on the line. Then it’s too late.
I blame this male ignorance on the society created by the industrial revolution. As men left their farms and their businesses to work for someone else, they had less and less interaction with their own family members, especially their sons. These sons rarely got to see their parents interact, and thus only saw married life from the perspective of their mothers. What we learn from our friends in the breech is rarely valid or applicable.
What fatherly advice I ever got pretty much played into that control system. I was told that Mom was the boss, and if I had any doubts, to re-read Rule #1. I got no information about what living with a woman entailed, not about her attitudes, not about her expectations, and certainly not about the moods her cycle causes. And forget about any useful sex information. Save it for marriage is about all that ever got said. Our women will teach us what sex acts they want us to know, which is why most women are not in favor of porn. It tends to give men ideas they don’t want us to have.
Mothers spend a great deal of their daughters lives teaching them about weddings and how marriage “should be”, including how to keep men under their control, particularly by using sex as a reward. I saw my sisters be taught these things, I saw my daughters be taught these things, and I overheard my mother-in-law and a sister-in-law once discussing the application of this control on my brother-in-law.
So what DID I learn about married life? I learned that men are expected to ceaselessly toil to meet ever-increasing demands for more, and to expect no thanks or respect from those who take as if it’s their due. And to have no wants or expectations. Ever.
But I never once in my early years did I consider going it myself. I wasn’t raised for it. Mom’s belittling of any effort on our part to become independent left us all at a disadvantage. She worked against any of us developing knowledge she didn’t approve so she could maintain control. Every son was expected to find a wife who would make a man out of him, in part by taking over that control. My sisters were expected to find men of promise and take control of them to ensure they became successful. Neither path worked out as intended, and I’m the only one still in my first marriage.
So what does this all have to do with MGTOW? Those who have been through the marriage mill should have been explaining to their sons what it’s all about. The sons needed to know what their fathers knew, especially to know when not to go along with the subtle pressure women apply. We also needed to know what our sisters were taught by our mothers: how to budget, how to pay bills, how to have something left over when all of the necessities are met. Few of us are likely to make enough to be profligate and still have control of our lives. There is no way for a man to go his own way without this knowledge. Only then can we make an informed choice as to whether or not we want a partner on our life’s journey, or if we feel strongly enough about our independence to go it alone.
It’s no accident that our mothers don’t teach us men these things. It’s one way women maintain control over men in a relationship. Mothers want to ensure that their daughters are supported when they start making her a grandmother. Mothers expect no less for their daughters than they got themselves. What men might want or need is of no importance compared to the duty of the generation of grand-offspring.
But today’s kids aren’t as blind to marital reality as we were, nor are they as brain-washed into believing certain lies about how things should be. My sons saw how hard I had it, and they didn’t think that was such a great life to take up themselves. They also look at today’s women, and they aren’t encouraged by what they see being offered. Too little to gain for a lot of cost, and thus not a good lifetime social arrangement to make.
I can’t take the credit for their education. They came to this conclusion all by themselves. As a great philosopher once said, “You can observe a lot by just watching.” They watched a great deal.
To sum up, a free man is one who has no permanent obligations to others, leaving society an opening to apply undesired pressure to conform. A MGTOW thus can’t be tied down to someone else’s needs. Therefore, there cannot be married MGTOW. It’s an oxymoron to think otherwise.