I recently had occasion to peruse NatGeo magazine (October, UK) for ten minutes. As I reached the back page I found a story about pandas…aaaaaah! cute vs devastator of bamboo forests and occasional eaters of sheep. Your call.
It was when the article moved on to the getting some of the good ol’ monochromatic lovin’ that my sympathy for our eastern hirsuite black’n’white buddies grew. Although it must be said, the news is mixed.
Pandas of the female persuasion are only fertile for 24-72 hours per year sometime in Spring, maybe.
+the patriarchal mythical construct of PMS is presumably not much of an issue for Mrs Panda, just once a year. The rest of the time she just hates Mr Panda out of habit. And she’s not moody, ever, right?
-Panda PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome) is rumoured (by discretely masked and anonymous male panda sources) to last more than eleven months per year. Chewing 60lb of bamboo shoots a day makes her grumpy and, it is rumoured, makes her arse look big.
Male pandas have to be vigilant for the sexually receptive times of their potential future co-parents. They need to be hot to trot at the drop of a proverbial hat. In late autumn they start ramping up the old hormones and their testicles grow. It seems that they probably have blue balls the size of Space Hoppers by the time mating season rolls round. When one ill timed heavy session down the Old Dog and Crispy Duck can give them a hangover long enough to miss out on the entire year’s prime period for pro-creational pandemonium.
Rumours that male pandas stalk flocks of sheep with a can of black spray paint and a pair of wellies are said to be vile anti male panda propaganda of the worst sort. Also they certainly don’t eat the evidence afterwards, when they get peckish. They’re very clear on that.
we interrupt this narrowcast with late breaking news
Technology to the rescue of internet literate pubescent panda
(*this bit may not work for younger readers)